WOM Blog

Dear Mom, I can make you punch your kid. Love, Spider

Author: Megan Garcia

Photographer: Leah Nulisch w/ Redbird Photography


Storytime, buckle up. It’s long--it’s a doozie--and it’s worth the read if you need a laugh!

My friend Leah Nulisch has started dipping her toes in the pool of photography. As any loyal friend would, I want to support her in her dreams. I asked her to do bluebonnet pics of my kiddos since I’ve never done it before because...(World’s Okayest Mom) WOM.

Welp, we meet on the side of the road where there is an abundance of beautiful flowers and we are all super excited. We get started and everything is going great! Even the baby, who is usually my tiny terrorist, is cooperating! What luck! I’m so happy! So we get to the end of the shoot, Leah sits the baby in the middle of the flowers to try and snap a couple of last minute shots when ALL OF A FREAKING SUDDEN ARAGOG FROM HARRY POTTER MAKES HIS FRICKIN DEBUT ON HER MOTHER LOVIN DRESS! That’s right folks a massive wolf spider has taken my child for its own.

Before I go on let me say:

A) I DO love my children

B ) I have the worlds worst fear of spiders of any size, shape, color or gender

SOOO. It sees me, I see it, and we lock eyes. I’m stunned. All I can do is stand there making a half scream, half hyperventilating cow noise. This is it, fight or flight has kicked in. And I ain’t no chicken. I come in swinging. Literally. Me and this dude ‘bout to fight. I run to my poor precious child that God saw fit to bless me with and PUNCH HER RIGHT IN THE CHEST where that many-legged-demon was now sunbathing. That’s right folks. Mom of the year. I punched my baby. And then, if you please, instead of picking her up like any normal mother that loves her child would do...I drug her. I grabbed this poor child by her arm and drug her through this field of flowers; all the while, still making the dying cow noise. And if that’s not bad enough WHILE I was dragging my poor confused and frightened baby I dropped her TWICE. TWWWIIICEEEEEEE! While all of this is going on I still have not been able to speak anything discernable. My oldest daughter started screaming and crying and running thinking there was a snake and Leah (you know--the photographer) is just straight up dumbstruck.

So there we are; Me, a full-grown woman of 32 years old punching and pulling a baby around this dang field and my 11-year-old, running and screaming. Finally, things calm down and I realize a few things all at once...

1) Everyone is staring at us, probably calling the cops on me, the baby puncher

2) The spider has to be gone now so I should probably pick up my crying child

3) Leah still doesn’t know there is a devil bug among us, and

4) My oldest is now in full blow tears standing on a chair prop for the pictures.

I have, at this point, officially ruined the rest of the photo shoot. My oldest was done. Her face now streaked with tears and red from crying wouldn’t get off the chair she was standing on. My youngest covered in mud and dirt with red marks on her arms from being drug around like a rag doll was never going to let me sit her back down again in her entire life. Both traumatized from the events that just unfolded. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of how I earned my ‘WOM Badge Of Honor.’ That is the story of how I ruined bluebonnet pictures--forever--for all of us.

BUT let's be honest here, they are lucky I didn’t just turn high tail and run to the car locking myself in and leaving them all with satans pet.

**Disclaimer: Yes I punched my child. I did it out of love. She’s ok. It was mostly a subconscious effort to battle my ridiculous fear of spiders and an effort to save my child from being eaten whole.

I have also included a picture of the jerk spider who ruined our pictures.